Month: November 2017

Roaching: The Newest Dating Trend and How to Prevent It

Dating is more tedious now than it has ever been. With trends such as stealthing and ghosting on the rise, it’s enough to make you want to give it up altogether. Wait, it gets worse. Not only do you have to worry about deceitfulness in the bedroom or never hearing from the person you thought it was going well with, but now there’s a new trend you should be worrying about: roaching.

“Roaching”, a term originated by Askmen, describes the phenomenon of someone not being honest about the fact that they are seeing multiple people. The term gets its name from the theory that if you see one roach, there are plenty more that you don’t see. While the act itself is not new, it now can be labeled and help bring awareness to the dating world.

First of all, let’s be fair. If you are single, you SHOULD be dating multiple people. After all, the point of dating is to test your options and date around until you discover what you like and don’t like in a partner until you eventually find someone for you. The problem occurs when you’ve found someone for you but that someone also has someone (or a few someones).

Thanks to social media and a multitude of dating apps, singles now have countless potential partners at their fingertips; the options are endless. This could partly explain the rise of infidelity in relationships and sexual promiscuity because there will now always be the notion that the grass may be greener on the other side. With so many options, it’s no wonder that people have multiple partners.

But who does roaching impact?

Sadly, there’s an unspoken idea that whoever cares the least in a relationship holds the most power. As your feelings develop more and more for a person you also run the risk of becoming more attached and consequently more vulnerable. When you start to feel like you care more than the other person, it may not necessarily mean that you are clingy or needy, but that person may care less simply because you are not the only one. You will never have all of their attention and affection.

How do you protect yourself from roaching?

Many people, particularly men, operate with the don’t-ask-don’t-tell mentality. As long as you don’t ask the essential dating/relationship questions, men won’t tell their intentions, which is perfectly fine. Men are naturally more shallow and inclined to explore their options sexually. It’s literally in our DNA. We are hunters by nature and we will sleep with a woman at the drop of a dime and not think twice. This brings me to my next point and should help answer the question mentioned above.

Roaching really becomes an issue when sex is involved. Ladies, it is your responsibility to ensure that you know what you are getting into before having sex with a man. Unless you are only looking for casual hookups it is your responsibility to have the define-the-relationship (DTR) conversation.  Before having sex, you are the one who should be asking, “What are your intentions? Where is this going?” Sure, you run the risk of coming off too emotional or attached, you should be. Sex for women should not be taken lightly; it’s more of an emotional experience for women whereas it’s primarily just physical for men. Never assume that the act of having sex automatically means you are in a relationship. This is a surefire way to get your heart broken when you eventually hear those tragic words “I never knew we were exclusive!”

Of course a man could lie and be sleeping around anyway but that’s something you cannot control and it speaks to the man’s lack of character. Getting played is a risk that comes with dating, and when it comes to protecting yourself, you need to be a superb judge of character. Of course the most practical solution for roaching is for the Roach to be open and communicate that they are dating or sleeping with multiple people but you can’t expect this type of integrity from people nowadays. Having the DTR conversation is your best chance to protect yourself from roaching. This goes both ways, because women can be Roaches too.

Heartbreak is a natural part of the dating process. You cannot expect to get through life without getting played or used at some point of time, that is naive. People are more deceitful now than they have ever been and it’s difficult navigating a dating world where people have such low morals. As you date around, be aware that whoever you are seeing may be dating around as well. Protect yourself from roaching by communicating effectively and establishing boundaries and trust with your partner. Good luck out there!

 

Being Single is Hard, but Don’t Give up on Yourself

Dating just isn’t working for you. You’ve been single for what feels like forever. You start feeling discouraged as you soon come to the conclusion that maybe you’re just undateable and you’ll be single for the rest of your life. Well, here’s some news: there are hundreds of thousands, likely more, singles who feel just as hopeless as you do. Being single is a lonesome experience, but hang in there. It’s important not to give up just yet.

Let’s begin with the very worst case scenario: you will be single forever. In the seemingly probable (but unlikely) case that you will be single for the rest of your life, you will realize that you will find freedom and excitement in the thought, not hopelessness and gloom. Just think how much you can accomplish when you remove the idea of  attracting and keeping a significant other. You have now cleared mental energy and space to pursue your own endeavors in order to lead a life you’ve always dreamed about. This should inspire you because now, instead of living with a lingering need to be with someone, you’re living a life on your terms. This is freedom. The irony is that this freedom mindset makes you more attractive than ever!

Unfortunately, it’s difficult to keep this freedom mindset when you’re constantly bombarded with “happy” couples all the time. Whenever you scroll down your timelines, you’re confronted with tweets, statuses, and memes that highlight all the perks of being in a relationship. These updates constantly remind you of what you’re missing out on and make you feel worse about being single than before you checked your social media page(s). When you’re constantly being exposed to these ideas, they’re being supplanted into your subconscious and they’re on the back of your mind all the time. This causes you to glorify the idea of a relationship and think about it more than you normally would. You start to feel like your life won’t be complete until you have that significant other.

Now you may be saying, “But humans are social creatures, we aren’t meant to be alone.” This is true. However, you must realize that things are not always as great as they seem. Every relationship is not a healthy one. Lots of couples are unhappy and there a very few couples who do not have their occasional fights and disagreements. Getting into a relationship will not solve your life problems, they will still be there. If you get into a relationship with the idea that it will be the one thing to complete your life, you will sadly be faced with the disappointing reality of “now what?” It’s fine to want a relationship, it’s even better to get into one. The point that I’m making is not to base your own happiness and fulfillment upon being in a relationship. This is unhealthy because you unknowingly  place your expectations on another person.

Not to mention, there’s the tedious process of dating itself. If you’ve been dating unsuccessfully for a while, you’re likely to experience dating fatigue. The idea of getting to know someone all over again is exhausting. You’re sick of the arbitrary “what kind of music do you like” get-to-know-you questions. You’ve unintentionally become a regular at your favorite bar or restaurant and the waiters know you by name. Even more, you haven’t even added up all the dollars you’ve wasted on dates. You could’ve bought a new wardrobe by now! At this point, you should reset and take a break. There’s a reason you’re not meeting the right person; it’s just not your time. Anything worth having is worth the wait and the work required to attain it. The problem with wanting a relationship (or anything for that matter),  is that we want it too badly. One of the odd conundrums in life is that whatever you pursue eludes you. We want things so badly that we somehow make it harder to get and we end up pushing it away. It’s up to you to stop searching externally and make changes within yourself; become the kind of person you want to attract instead of actively seeking that person.

You are not alone in your sinlgedom. It’s a painstakingly lonesome experience, I know. It’s important to understand that with every obstacle lies opportunity. The obstacle of attracting a significant other provides you with the opportunity to become the most attractive version of yourself. Realize that getting into a relationship definitely can help make your life better but it won’t always complete you. When being single gets hard, don’t give up yet, because you would be giving up on yourself.