Month: March 2018

Three Important Lessons I’ve Learned from a Past Failed Relationship

It is said that relationships offer you the opportunity to grow. When you’re romantically involved with another person, you will discover things about yourself that you wouldn’t have had you remained single. New challenges arise as you balance your own happiness with that of your significant other and very rarely do you emerge from the relationship exactly the same as you were before. I’ve had my fair share of relationships, each with their own set of challenges and opportunities for growth. There is one that has changed me more drastically than the rest. Here are three important lessons I’ve learned from a past failed relationship.

     1. Never Mix Business With Pleasure

As a working adult, most of your time will likely be spent at your place of employment. Unless you’re working at a temp agency, there is a high chance that you will be spending lots of time with the same group of people. Over time, it is natural that feelings of attraction can arise as you get to know coworkers on a deeper level.  You’re likely to notice things about them that you didn’t pay attention to before and this can often lead to you finding them irresistibly endearing.

In my case, there was a power dynamic that added a level of intricacy. Working in retail, I had started out as a sales associate before quickly rising to the position of sales lead. With my new title, I was working more hours and building more of a personal relationship with my fellow coworkers. A particular coworker of mine suddenly took a liking to me. In the beginning, there was no spark between us. She probably didn’t even know my name since we worked separate shifts, only seeing each other in passing. Perhaps it was the rapport we started to build after my promotion, or maybe it was something less innocent. My flirtatious personality had gained me quite a bit of popularity among my female coworkers. In my mind, this is what increased my value in her eyes.

We started seeing each other outside of work, going on movie dates, shopping trips, and walks on the waterfront. Things were going smoothly outside of work, but I soon faced a dilemma. As her manager, I was constantly doing my best to maintain an air of professionalism. I couldn’t be as affectionate and romantic as I would have liked to been. I didn’t want to treat her any differently than I treated my other subordinates. After all, my job was on the line. We had a disagreement outside of work which put a hamper on our workplace relationship. I often acted out of character, clearly bothered by our topsy-turvy situationship. Needless to say, we couldn’t get back to where we had begun and it ended sloppily. She dumped me which led to me acting even more spiteful and overemotional at work. She soon quit the job which eased the pressure for both of us, but it helped me realize a vital life lesson.

     2. A Man Must Control His Emotions

Notice that I didn’t say that men shouldn’t have emotions, nor should they show them. I specifically said that a man must control them. In any healthy relationship, it is the man’s job to remain strong; he should be his woman’s rock. When things start going south, he is the one to ensure that everything will be ok. He should provide the shoulder to lean on.

When a man is overemotional, it makes his woman uncomfortable. It forces her to move out of her natural feminine energy and into a more masculine state which is unnatural to her. If the guy she is dating can’t control his emotions, she will lose attraction because subconsciously she knows that she cannot trust him. Not only does an overemotional man come off as weak, but he can come off as dangerous. If a woman isn’t sure of how her partner will handle himself, she can’t feel safe and secure around him.

After our first conflict, I didn’t know how to express my feelings. I was caught up in the illusion that I had to act indifferent and uncaring. Despite my emotional pain, I was cold and callous towards her, unwilling to communicate my feelings like a mature person would do. Admittedly, I was afraid of losing her. I had convinced myself that she would leave me sooner or later so why not now?

This led to me being rude to her, ignoring her at times and intentionally flirting with other coworkers in front of her. I wanted to show her that I could easily move on. I didn’t want to let her know how much she affected me emotionally. In the end, this douchebag behavior caused me to lose a very special woman.

3. You Should Go Into a Relationship to Give

I was selfish.

I only cared about my feelings and what I was getting out of the relationship. I was proud and was so concerned with saving face that I wasn’t seeing how much I was turning her off. The more I put on the facade of not caring, the further I was pushing her away. I was immature and negligent, never paying attention to what was happening right in front of me.

When you go into a relationship, you should approach it with a selfless mentality. A relationship provides you the opportunity to care for and cater to another person. It’s not about what you can get out of it, it’s about what you can give.

You should be giving your time, your energy, your love, and your support in an attempt to help your partner grow and develop as a person. If you’re lucky, your partner should be dedicated to doing the same for you. This is how a healthy relationship should function. I didn’t know any better at the time and it cost me.

Do I have any regrets? Nah. I wouldn’t be who I am today and I wouldn’t be able to share my experience with you if I hadn’t learned these three key lessons. Have you had any failed relationships that have helped you change for the better? How did you handle it? Let me know in the comments below.

The One Thing That Women Are Attracted To

What are women attracted to?

It’s the age old question that psychologists, sociologists, and pick up artists have been pondering since the beginning of time. If you ask any guy on the street he’ll likely say money. While it often appears that money is what attracts a woman to a man, there’s actually more to it. Next time you see a guy driving the shiny red BMW with a hot girlfriend in the passenger seat, realize this: it’s not necessarily the money he possesses but his social status.

Money is a necessity, there is no getting around that. You need food, clothing, and shelter to survive so unless you’re a hut-building, fashion designing farmer then you will literally need money to survive. The more money you have, the more luxuries you can afford. A woman needs to know that the man she is dating can provide for her and be a source of strength; he needs to be bringing something to the table. So, naturally, the more money a man possesses, the more suitable and capable he is of providing for a woman and offering a higher standard of living. But this does not make him more attractive.

Have you ever seen the guy in the fancy tailored suit and the flashy watch buying overpriced bottles of champagne in the club trying to impress the women in his VIP section? I’m pretty sure one of the first words that came to your mind was “douchebag”. Sure, he may have taken one of those girls home but they were likely gold diggers. They weren’t so much attracted to him as they were attracted to the lifestyle he could provide for them. Most women see right through this act of showmanship and bravado, and they can identify it as weakness; a false sense of security. These guys are shallow and not all of these guys are getting laid. You’d be surprised at how few of them actually are.

When it comes to attraction, women are much more complex. It only takes a nice set of tits or a beautifully sculpted ass for a man to be attracted to a woman. A woman’s attraction to a man is more psychological. Sure, women generally prefer taller men with a head full of hair but they aren’t only looking for physical traits. Women need strong leaders, they’re subconsciously attracted to men who are more successful, popular, and influential than they are. This is where social status comes into play.

Women generally want the alpha male. An alpha male is a leader, a strong man who breaks through barriers and provides for those that are close to him. This cannot be determined through material possessions. Having lots of money doesn’t make you an alpha male it just makes you a male with money. Women have developed the intuition to seek out alpha males by judging a man’s behavior. It’s all about how you carry yourself, how you interact with people, and how people interact with you.

By judging a man’s behavior, a woman can quickly weed out the weak men from the strong. They can tell who has the “it” factor that women look for and they can tell who’s faking “it”. Not only do women prefer to date guys who’ve got “it”, they also like to date guys with the potential to develop “it.” This is why you see the starving artist who seems to have a new girlfriend every other week although his bank account has more red than his last painting. When you become a man of high social standing, people react to you differently. They treat you with not only respect, but they honor you. This is why I constantly preach about following your purpose and becoming the best version of you. When you work on yourself and develop self confidence, you approach the world differently and people will react accordingly. You essentially become a man of high value and therefore more attractive.

Remember, the guys in the club with the fancy cars and watches aren’t all getting laid. Women see through materialism and are generally repulsed by these shallow displays. Women are generally attracted to men who are more successful and powerful than they are, and while money comes as a result of success and power, it’s not what they are attracted to. Become a man of high social status because this is what women want.

“The Talk”: Who’s Supposed to Define The Relationship?

I was having a conversation with a girl friend of mine and we were discussing the inevitability of heartbreak. It is my opinion that everyone should get their heart broken at least once by the time they graduate from high school. There’s no way to escape that pain, it’s a non-negotiable part of the dating journey. Heartbreak and disappointment usually comes from cheating partners but nowadays disappointment comes from lack of communication and people being misled. With the rise of roaching and ghosting, people are more devious than ever and deception comes into play as people are only out to get what they want. So how can you cut down on the chances of being heartbroken or disappointed by the new person you’re dating?

The most surefire way to protect yourself from disappointment is to have define-the-relationship (DTR) talks with the person(s) you’re dating. This is the most secure way to get on the same page so that everyone’s intentions are known. The problem is that we’re not communicating effectively because we don’t want to look too vulnerable or needy. We’re afraid to express our true feelings because we run the risk of getting rejected which is a weak, fearful mind state to have. With good timing, the DTR conversation can save you from embarrassment or heartbreak before it’s too late.

So when is a good time to have the DTR conversation?

When it comes to dating, it is key to understand that there are no strict rules. You’re dealing with fickle human beings who want one thing today and the opposite tomorrow. So there is no clear time to have the DTR conversation but I am glad to offer my opinion on when it would be best. I believe that it is best to have the DTR conversation by the end of the third date.

The first date is obviously too soon to have such a serious conversation and here’s why. First, the first date should be treated as a pre-date. Unless you’ve already known each other prior to dating, you’re basically having dinner and/or drinks with a stranger. The first date is just to see if you even like this person. So, if a man brings up the DTR conversation on the first date, he will come off as desperate. This will turn a woman off because she doesn’t even know the guy and he’s already talking about a relationship. She will subconsciously know that a guy who gets so serious so early doesn’t get laid much and is probably going to turn out to be a weak, possessive control freak. If a woman brings up the DTR conversation on the first date, she will come off as stifling. A man doesn’t even know the woman yet, and if she’s already bringing up the DTR conversation his freedom is immediately threatened. Having the DTR on the first date is a definite no-no for both parties.

By the second date both people will have more familiarity with each other. Whereas the first date is a pre-date to get to know one another, the second date can be taken more seriously. This is the date where you get to know the person on a deeper level and determine whether the first date was just a flaw because you both were on your best behavior. It is my opinion that having the DTR conversation on the second date is still too soon because at this point, you two should just be having flirty fun with each other. Having the conversation this early still denotes desperation.

I believe the third date is ideal because now things are heating up. It is widely agreed that sex has the highest possibility of happening on the third date. If the gentleman plays his cards right at this point, he has established himself as a fun guy that the girl can enjoy herself with. She should be comfortable with him and her barriers should be lowered, opening the door for him to make that move. Because sex can definitely happen at this point, I believe this is why the third date is a great time to have the DTR talk. But who should be the one to initiate this conversation?

As mentioned earlier, there are no clearly defined rules when it comes to dating. Conventional wisdom states that it is the gentleman’s job to lead the woman, therefore it’s his job to have this talk. I believe that the person with the most to lose should be the one to initiate the DTR conversation. In most cases, this would be the woman. I wrote about how women have more to lose when it comes to sex in this article so let’s not waste too much time there. The person who is most emotionally invested should be the one to initiate the DTR talk because they are the one most at risk for heartbreak.

I must warn you, having the DTR conversation does not mean that you will never get hurt or deceived again. There are people out there who will tell you what you want to hear just to sleep with you. So women, if you have the talk with the guy you’re dating and you still get lied to then there’s nothing you can do. It is up to you to be an outstanding judge of character and determine whether this guy you’re dating is worthy of a relationship; this is what the first few dates are for. Remember, the DTR conversation won’t save you but it will allow you the opportunity to be clear with what you expect from him while allowing him to express his intentions.

Don’t be foolish and trick yourself into believing that you will never get your heart broken again, this is naive. However, by communicating clearly and defining the relationship after several dates you can lower the chances of heartbreak. I’d love to know what you think in the comments below.

The One Way To Not Get Too Attached

The dating game can be likened to a game of tug and war; you are constantly in a state of giving and receiving your attention and affection in hopes of pulling someone in. Give too much and you’ll fall hard for the person and likely push them away. If you don’t give enough, the other person will pull back their attention and find someone else. In both cases, you’re left standing alone holding your rope. So how do you find that perfect balance of being interested but not clingy?

Date multiple people.

If you are single, you should be dating multiple people anyway. By having your eggs in multiple baskets you maintain a mystique about you that builds attraction. It is human nature to want what we can’t have, so by not fully investing in pursuing someone wholeheartedly it makes them want you more.

It’s all about balance.

You want to let the person(s) you’re dating know that you are interested in them, but simultaneously give off the vibe that you would be just fine without them. Show too much interest and you come off as needy or clingy, and this is what you don’t want. The bad boys do this naturally because they genuinely don’t care about the people they date so they never have to worry about being clingy.

Why is clinginess so unattractive?

Clinginess reveals a needy, insecure personality that will likely lead to an unhealthy relationship. Have you ever dated someone who constantly texted and called you inquiring about your whereabouts? Have you ever dated someone who accused you of cheating if you failed to reply to their text message within 20 minutes? Everyone wants to be loved but no one should want to be controlled.

The other reason why clinginess is unattractive is because it shows a lack of independence. An ideal healthy relationship consists of two partners who lead their own fulfilling lives. It’s about two happy and healthy people coming together and sharing life experiences, not about one person controlling and possessing their partner. If you are leading a full life and dating multiple people, there is no way you can come off clingy because you simply have too much to do. You’re too busy dating other people or spending time with hobbies, mastering a craft, or furthering your career or education.

When dating multiple people, you will likely be faced with a familiar stigma: dating multiple people is trashy behavior. If you’re a woman dating multiple guys, detractors will label you as a slut. If you’re a guy dating multiple women then you will be labeled as a player. Do not succumb to societal pressure. The whole idea of dating is to meet multiple people and spend time with them until you meet the person who shares the same values and interests as you do. You’re essentially interviewing people for the position of significant other. Until you find someone that you want to enter into a relationship with, it is your job to test the market. It’s the only way to guarantee that you are making a good relationship decision.

So always keep in mind that dating is all about balance. You should be constantly balancing your attention between the people you’re dating and your own life ambitions. The best way to keep balance when dating is to date multiple people until you find the one for you. With this in mind, you can ensure that you will become a catch and you will no longer be the loser holding their rope because you chased people away.