Month: February 2019

Why Dating as an Adult Sucks

So you’ve graduated from college/trade school/etc. and you’ve entered into the world of adulthood. You’re fresh from the educational institution and you’re ready to face the world with your empowering sense of accomplishment and wonder. Things are looking up. You’ve (hopefully) had plenty of dating experiences while you were in your late teens and early 20s and you’ve got a good sense of what you like and don’t like. However, you’ll very soon realize just how difficult dating is as an adult.

Here’s the main reason why dating is difficult for adults: they’re removed from large social environments.

School provides an education, of course, but it offers something just as important. Schools offer an incomparable social environment. Everyday you’re seeing hundreds of peers as you trek through hallways on your way to class. For 45-90 minutes at a time you’re in a room with 10-30 people  who usually share things in common with you. You’re open to meet and network with a numerous amount of people who are usually just like you. But that all changes as soon as you cross that stage.

Suddenly, you’re tossed into the jungle of corporate work environments. At first you had the opportunity to meet countless peers at your school, but now you’re limited to the handful of people you work with on a day to day basis. Your options are immediately limited. The only place it seems that you can meet potential love interests is the one place you dread going:

Bars and clubs.

You’re done with the partying and hooking up. You’ve done enough of that while you were playing beer pong and slurping tequila off the stomachs of horny strangers. If you’re a woman you realize the clubs are full of posers just looking for one night stands. If you’re a guy you realize that the clubs are full of attention seeking girls just out to have fun with their friends. You realize that the clubs are just the feeding grounds of shallow hyenas just looking to prove their social worth. You don’t wanna play this game so you choose the next best option:

Join a dating app.

So, you’ve given up on finding a significant other in bars. You’re probably not a drinker anyway and you definitely don’t like the charade of trying to prove your social worth in those environments. Next, you download tinder and start swiping away. You get a match here and there but the conversations are often uninteresting or randomly dropped altogether. Like, wtf just happened? Every once in a while you may meet up just to find out that the person you thought you matched with is completely different than the real thing. Surprise, you’ve been catfished!

Now you’re frustrated and completely hopeless. Everywhere you look you see happy couples who will probably be together forever. You start thinking that maybe something is wrong with you. You ask yourself things like “where’s my mr./mrs. right”, “will I ever be loved?”

So what are you to do?

Gonna be honest with you, there is no magic solution. What I’ve realized is that if you’ve reached this desperate point in your dating life the best thing to do is be patient and focus on self improvement. I won’t spend too much time talking about how to follow your passions and become a better version of yourself because I did that here. Another thing that could possibly give you hope is understanding that there are countless people out there just as hopeless and full of love as you are. It’s your job to meet them.

Sometimes, the thing that you want the most is just outside of your comfort zone. Do things that make you nervous. Approach and make conversation with that cute girl in line at the coffee shop. Ask that guy for help with your form in the gym. Focus on living your day to day life but take the chance to meet people who catch your attention. The process of getting comfortable with being uncomfortable will help you develop self esteem and strength. You’ll eventually be shocked at the person you can potentially become.

Being single as an adult is a soul-defining opportunity for you to get to know yourself. Your job is to focus on your growth and put yourself out there and meet people. The more you do it, the better you’ll get and it will only be a matter of time before you meet that person you can share your life with. Until then, realize that dating does suck as an adult. But it doesn’t just suck for you, we’re all going through it.

The Confidence Paradox

Two months in and I’m finally writing my first post of the year!

Thanks for your patience, I truly appreciate you for taking the time out of your day to read this garbage.

One of my most recent posts talks about confidence, you can read it here. As I’ve previously mentioned, I’ve taken a break from dating not too long ago but I’m back in the game now. Recently, two women I’ve been seeing have unfortunately fallen off the face of the earth. My younger, immature self would have been upset by this sudden disappearing act but I fully understand that ghosting is a part of the game; I’m fine with it, I do it too. In my defense, I believe that these disappearances had nothing to do with anything on my end but can most likely be attributed to insecurities on theirs. Today, I want to discuss the confidence paradox and how being confident can actually work against us guys.

So you’ve put so much effort into becoming confident. You’re working on your craft, you’re taking your job more seriously, you’re in the gym trying to turn that keg gut into a 6 pack. Good for you, your confidence is rising and your powers are growing! But wait, did you ever imagine that your newfound confidence can actually turn women off?

The backwards thing about this confidence thing is that women want a confident man. However, women are often unconfident themselves; the main reason being that they are much more concerned with their body image than men are. Studies to prove this can be found here. So what does this all mean?

If your self confidence is higher than the women you are dating this could be good for you. Generally speaking, women date up. They want a strong leader who can offer security and safety. They want a man they can relax with and be their playful, feminine selves. However, if you’re with an insecure woman, this same confidence that can attract women is the same confidence that scares some women away.

People fear what they don’t understand. Your confidence to some women can come off as intimidating and they are uncomfortable with getting serious with you because they fear getting hurt. A confident man is normally a man with a lot of dating options, and most women don’t want to compete for a man. Instead of accept you as the prize that you are, these women will run the other way; they don’t want to be another notch on your bedpost, another tally for your body count. Women  with a healthy self esteem are attracted to men who are good with women, but an insecure woman will be scared off by this. Deep down, she fears that she’s not good enough for you. This type of woman will ask you things like “are you a player,” or “how many other women are you dating?” You will even hear things like “you must say that to all the girls.”

When you get questions like these, always respond in a lighthearted and playful manner. These are tests to see if you are actually as successful with women as you appear to be.

So what do you do?

Accept the fact that as your confidence grows, so will the quality of women you attract. This newfound confidence in yourself can help you weed out and buffer less confident women. You shouldn’t want to be with a woman who is overly insecure because then a lot of your energy will be spent trying to uplift and motivate her. Not that this is a bad thing, but your job in the dating field is not to fix people. You should be looking for a woman who can complement your lifestyle. You should be looking for your match. Spending too much time with a woman who’s overly insecure can be draining after a while and you don’t need this extra stress in your life because a good woman should bring you peace.

So, yes, confidence is still the number one thing that women find attractive in a man. Just be aware of the confidence paradox. Happy dating!