Roaching: The Newest Dating Trend and How to Prevent It

Dating is more tedious now than it has ever been. With trends such as stealthing and ghosting on the rise, it’s enough to make you want to give it up altogether. Wait, it gets worse. Not only do you have to worry about deceitfulness in the bedroom or never hearing from the person you thought it was going well with, but now there’s a new trend you should be worrying about: roaching.

“Roaching”, a term originated by Askmen, describes the phenomenon of someone not being honest about the fact that they are seeing multiple people. The term gets its name from the theory that if you see one roach, there are plenty more that you don’t see. While the act itself is not new, it now can be labeled and help bring awareness to the dating world.

First of all, let’s be fair. If you are single, you SHOULD be dating multiple people. After all, the point of dating is to test your options and date around until you discover what you like and don’t like in a partner until you eventually find someone for you. The problem occurs when you’ve found someone for you but that someone also has someone (or a few someones).

Thanks to social media and a multitude of dating apps, singles now have countless potential partners at their fingertips; the options are endless. This could partly explain the rise of infidelity in relationships and sexual promiscuity because there will now always be the notion that the grass may be greener on the other side. With so many options, it’s no wonder that people have multiple partners.

But who does roaching impact?

Sadly, there’s an unspoken idea that whoever cares the least in a relationship holds the most power. As your feelings develop more and more for a person you also run the risk of becoming more attached and consequently more vulnerable. When you start to feel like you care more than the other person, it may not necessarily mean that you are clingy or needy, but that person may care less simply because you are not the only one. You will never have all of their attention and affection.

How do you protect yourself from roaching?

Many people, particularly men, operate with the don’t-ask-don’t-tell mentality. As long as you don’t ask the essential dating/relationship questions, men won’t tell their intentions, which is perfectly fine. Men are naturally more shallow and inclined to explore their options sexually. It’s literally in our DNA. We are hunters by nature and we will sleep with a woman at the drop of a dime and not think twice. This brings me to my next point and should help answer the question mentioned above.

Roaching really becomes an issue when sex is involved. Ladies, it is your responsibility to ensure that you know what you are getting into before having sex with a man. Unless you are only looking for casual hookups it is your responsibility to have the define-the-relationship (DTR) conversation.  Before having sex, you are the one who should be asking, “What are your intentions? Where is this going?” Sure, you run the risk of coming off too emotional or attached, you should be. Sex for women should not be taken lightly; it’s more of an emotional experience for women whereas it’s primarily just physical for men. Never assume that the act of having sex automatically means you are in a relationship. This is a surefire way to get your heart broken when you eventually hear those tragic words “I never knew we were exclusive!”

Of course a man could lie and be sleeping around anyway but that’s something you cannot control and it speaks to the man’s lack of character. Getting played is a risk that comes with dating, and when it comes to protecting yourself, you need to be a superb judge of character. Of course the most practical solution for roaching is for the Roach to be open and communicate that they are dating or sleeping with multiple people but you can’t expect this type of integrity from people nowadays. Having the DTR conversation is your best chance to protect yourself from roaching. This goes both ways, because women can be Roaches too.

Heartbreak is a natural part of the dating process. You cannot expect to get through life without getting played or used at some point of time, that is naive. People are more deceitful now than they have ever been and it’s difficult navigating a dating world where people have such low morals. As you date around, be aware that whoever you are seeing may be dating around as well. Protect yourself from roaching by communicating effectively and establishing boundaries and trust with your partner. Good luck out there!

 

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Being Single is Hard, but Don’t Give up on Yourself

Dating just isn’t working for you. You’ve been single for what feels like forever. You start feeling discouraged as you soon come to the conclusion that maybe you’re just undateable and you’ll be single for the rest of your life. Well, here’s some news: there are hundreds of thousands, likely more, singles who feel just as hopeless as you do. Being single is a lonesome experience, but hang in there. It’s important not to give up just yet.

Let’s begin with the very worst case scenario: you will be single forever. In the seemingly probable (but unlikely) case that you will be single for the rest of your life, you will realize that you will find freedom and excitement in the thought, not hopelessness and gloom. Just think how much you can accomplish when you remove the idea of  attracting and keeping a significant other. You have now cleared mental energy and space to pursue your own endeavors in order to lead a life you’ve always dreamed about. This should inspire you because now, instead of living with a lingering need to be with someone, you’re living a life on your terms. This is freedom. The irony is that this freedom mindset makes you more attractive than ever!

Unfortunately, it’s difficult to keep this freedom mindset when you’re constantly bombarded with “happy” couples all the time. Whenever you scroll down your timelines, you’re confronted with tweets, statuses, and memes that highlight all the perks of being in a relationship. These updates constantly remind you of what you’re missing out on and make you feel worse about being single than before you checked your social media page(s). When you’re constantly being exposed to these ideas, they’re being supplanted into your subconscious and they’re on the back of your mind all the time. This causes you to glorify the idea of a relationship and think about it more than you normally would. You start to feel like your life won’t be complete until you have that significant other.

Now you may be saying, “But humans are social creatures, we aren’t meant to be alone.” This is true. However, you must realize that things are not always as great as they seem. Every relationship is not a healthy one. Lots of couples are unhappy and there a very few couples who do not have their occasional fights and disagreements. Getting into a relationship will not solve your life problems, they will still be there. If you get into a relationship with the idea that it will be the one thing to complete your life, you will sadly be faced with the disappointing reality of “now what?” It’s fine to want a relationship, it’s even better to get into one. The point that I’m making is not to base your own happiness and fulfillment upon being in a relationship. This is unhealthy because you unknowingly  place your expectations on another person.

Not to mention, there’s the tedious process of dating itself. If you’ve been dating unsuccessfully for a while, you’re likely to experience dating fatigue. The idea of getting to know someone all over again is exhausting. You’re sick of the arbitrary “what kind of music do you like” get-to-know-you questions. You’ve unintentionally become a regular at your favorite bar or restaurant and the waiters know you by name. Even more, you haven’t even added up all the dollars you’ve wasted on dates. You could’ve bought a new wardrobe by now! At this point, you should reset and take a break. There’s a reason you’re not meeting the right person; it’s just not your time. Anything worth having is worth the wait and the work required to attain it. The problem with wanting a relationship (or anything for that matter),  is that we want it too badly. One of the odd conundrums in life is that whatever you pursue eludes you. We want things so badly that we somehow make it harder to get and we end up pushing it away. It’s up to you to stop searching externally and make changes within yourself; become the kind of person you want to attract instead of actively seeking that person.

You are not alone in your sinlgedom. It’s a painstakingly lonesome experience, I know. It’s important to understand that with every obstacle lies opportunity. The obstacle of attracting a significant other provides you with the opportunity to become the most attractive version of yourself. Realize that getting into a relationship definitely can help make your life better but it won’t always complete you. When being single gets hard, don’t give up yet, because you would be giving up on yourself.

Why You Attract the Woman You Don’t Want

You have the worst luck when it comes to dating. Why does it seem like you always attract the woman you don’t want but the one you do want wouldn’t even let her dog kiss you? A common reason for this is that you are not treating all women the same. Although there is no solution to attract ANY woman you want, by treating all women the same you have a better chance of evening that ratio.

If you’re in the dating world, it’s imperative to know that there are social skills involved in the process. Just like with any other skill, your dating/social skills need to be consciously practiced. The more time you put in, the better you’ll get and the more results you’ll see. First, let’s try and figure out why you seem to always get attention from the woman you’re not interested in.

You’re more aloof when you’re interacting with women you have no romantic interest in. You’re less cautious about your choice of words, you’re more relaxed, and you’re just more comfortable with being yourself. You’re being genuine. You have nothing to prove to a woman you have no interest in and this ironically could lead to her liking you even more.

Why is that?

People are attracted to independence and sincerity. The fact that you’re comfortable and relaxed in your own skin puts people at ease; you give off a positive vibe which attracts people to you. Your nonchalance with the woman you’re uninterested in tells her, “I don’t take myself too seriously and honestly, I’d be fine with or without you in my life.” It’s odd, but people want what they can’t have and your independence is what draws you to her. Well how will I get to practice my dating/social skills if I’m constantly around women I’m not interested in? Good question.

You’ll never know when you’ll meet the love of your life, but you want to be prepared when you do. If you’re not comfortable having fun, normal conversations with any woman, you’ll likely freeze up when you meet the one who takes your breath away. When interacting with a beautiful woman it’s important to remember not to let her beauty intimidate you. If butterflies are in your stomach, don’t ignore them but embrace them. This woman ignites passion within you and the last thing you want to do is creep her out because you’re a bumbling idiot. Take a deep breath, forget about the fact that she’s drop dead gorgeous and carry on your interaction with the same self confidence you would with the average Jane.

Here’s an interesting thought: beautiful women don’t get approached as often as you think. Even when they are, most of the guys who approach them have no idea what they’re doing or they’re putting up a front. Women see straight through this. Didn’t I say that people are attracted to sincerity? Women (most of them anyway) don’t necessarily want to be idolized, they want a partner–someone who isn’t glorifying their beauty. They want an equal. When you interact with them as if they were just a regular girl, you communicate confidence. You’re communicating to her, “I know I’m good enough for you.”

Treating the woman you like the same as the woman you don’t like helps you build confidence and provides opportunity for you to work on your “game”. Remain aloof and true to yourself at all times and you’ll be surprised at the results you get. Remember, the most gorgeous women are only human, they die too. Appreciate her beauty, let that energy inside of you rejuvenate and inspire you but don’t let it consume you.

How do you go about naturally attracting someone?

Why is it so much work finding someone? You’re good looking enough, you’re good enough, you’re smart enough. Still, no matter what you do it seems as if no matter how hard you try you just can’t seem to attract and keep a significant other. Well, part of the problem lies there: stop trying. The key to remember when you’re single and looking is that attraction is natural and should be effortless.

People do not choose who they are attracted to. Sure, you may have a type. You might prefer a 5’2″ woman with wavy, shoulder length brunette hair and thick soft thighs. Ladies, perhaps you like guys 6 feet tall with a full head of hair. Despite the fact that you may have an ideal partner, you’re not completely in control of what attracts you to someone. Surely, you’ve heard someone say “I don’t know what it is about them”.

When you stop trying so hard to attract someone and let it happen naturally, you increase the amount of quality dates/relationships you have. Unfortunately, there is a downside to this approach: time. The tradeoff here is that although you may get less dates, they will be quality dates with a higher probability of leading to a healthy relationship. This method of letting attraction happen naturally WILL take much longer than actively pursuing someone.

The problem with pursuing is that you unconsciously put yourself in a position where you are constantly trying to prove yourself. This leads to you overcompensating and sometimes being insincere. Remember, you are good enough and you have nothing to prove to anyone. You should value yourself and know that someone would be lucky to have you, not the other way around. So how do you go about naturally attracting someone?

The first step is to align your life with your personal values. Your life should revolve around your own passions and interests. Yes, we need to pay the bills and everyone can’t make a living as a photographer or professional athlete. The key is to pursue interests outside of your 9-5. Wake up 2 hours earlier than you normally would or go to bed 2 hours later than you normally would, but try to commit at least 10 hours a week to whatever it is that sparks passion within you. This keeps you busy and fulfilled.

When you lead a life that fulfills you, you naturally become more attractive. Think of it this way: would you want to be with someone who hates their life and bases their own happiness upon their relationship with you? Hopefully your answer is no, and if it isn’t then perhaps you may want to do some research on narcissism.

You should be looking for a complement. Erase the idea that you have a soul mate waiting for you to order the exact same custom drink at Starbucks. Forget about it. There are 7 billion people on Earth, do you see how foolish it is to believe that there is just one person made just for you? Sure you want to date someone you’re physically attracted to, but looks fade. You can’t have sex 24/7, at some point you’re going to actually have conversations with the person you are dating. Do you really want to be with someone you have nothing in common with? When you lead a life based on your own values, you eventually meet people with the same interests. Forget that cliché “opposites attract,” that’s bullshit. The theme here is “like attracts like”.

Dating in 2017 is somewhat undefined and more mystifying than it has ever been. One thing that will never change is the science of attraction. Understand that it is better to be alone than to be in an unhealthy relationship. Value yourself, know that you are good enough. Be patient, stop trying so hard and you will eventually become effortlessly attractive.

Why The 2-Day Rule Works for Me

Guy meets girl.

Guy gets number.

Two days pass.

Girl’s in wonder.

Perhaps the most commonly asked question in the dating world is when should the guy contact a girl after getting her number? One side argues that it’s best to wait a couple days to build suspense. Opponents believe you should contact her the next day because no one wants to play games. Here’s the simple answer: it really doesn’t matter. If two people are truly interested in each other they will do what it takes to make things work. However, I personally wait a few days to contact a woman after meeting her. Here’s why.

Anticipation is an aphrodisiac. When a woman is thinking about you, it arouses desire and wonder. She’s asking herself, “why hasn’t he called me yet? I thought we had a real connection. Am I not pretty enough”? Gentlemen, the best position you can be in is on a woman’s mind all the time. When I meet women, I sometimes shoot them a text on the spot or later that night. The text will say nothing more than my name or “it was nice meeting you.” That way, she has my number. In the following few days, one of two things will happen:

  1. I will contact her after the first couple days.
  2. She will reach out first.

The first option usually happens about 75% of the time for me, which I assume would be the same for most guys. After this, I would pursue with the process of setting a date (a topic on its own that I will write about another time). On the other hand, the second option is a lot more exciting.

If a woman contacts you before you contact her, you can pat yourself on the back. Her attraction for you was so high, that she couldn’t stand waiting for your call/text. Be careful though, this could also be a red flag. Building anticipation is the number one reason I like to wait a few days, and weeding out the crazies is a close number two. The insecure woman will reach out to a guy after meeting him if she hasn’t heard from him because she believes he is either playing games or out messing around with other women. If a woman couldn’t wait to hear from me so she called me first, then good I’m fine with that, I’m actually flattered. BUT, if she’s calling to interrogate me as to why I haven’t called then I’m going to pump the brakes. This type of attitude often leads to problems down the road.

So remember, at the end of the day it doesn’t make  a world of a difference when it comes to contacting a woman for the first time. But, if you wait a few days, you build anticipation and you put yourself in a better position to spot the clingy, insecure woman.

Why Women Won’t Just Say “No” if They’re Uninterested

You know that feeling you get after you get a cute girl’s number? You start imagining what the two of you will look like together. You know your boys would be proud. You text her a few days later in hopes of setting up a date but you get no response. Now you’re confused. You realize you’re gonna look like an asshat when your homies ask you, “what happened with that girl you met?” You cant help but think “why did she even give me her number if she wasn’t interested? Why couldn’t she just tell me ‘no’?”  The answer is simple: it’s all our fault.

Let me paint you a picture.

A beautiful young woman is at the club dancing with her beautiful young women friends. It’s Friday night and they just wanna go out and do beautiful young women things. Dave is out with his boys and he happens to see this beautiful young woman. Dave is tall, dark and handsome so he figures he’ll approach the beautiful young woman. (Are you tired of me saying beautiful young woman yet?) She rejects him and Dave responds with an emphatic “You’re ugly anyway!”

     Is it easier to see now why women can’t simply say no to guys anymore?

      Every woman you know has been confronted with the stereotypical insecure, overconfident guy who thinks they can get women just from looks or materialism. These guys get butthurt when a woman denies them. How many times have you heard a guy say “What, am I not good enough for you? Am I not good looking enough for you? You’re a stuck up bitch!” No dude, she’s just not interested.

     A woman does not choose who she’s attracted to; it’s not something she can turn on. So when a woman is faced with a guy she has no interest in, she needs a way to let him down easy. She can tell him “I have a boyfriend.” That may work, but he might think he’s a player and say “That’s fine, you can’t have friends?” Women have now gotten to the point where the easiest way to say “no” is to actually say “yes”. Ironic, I know, but it makes perfect sense. It’s much easier for a woman to give a guy her number and ignore him later than to go back and forth with a crybaby.

So what can you do about it? Nothing. You simply move on and hope to have better luck next time. Don’t text her 2 and 3 times. Don’t call her names and become bitter towards women. If she is replying to you but she’s too busy every time you ask her out, take a hint. Understand that no matter how good looking or well off you may be, every women you’re into won’t be into you. Chalk it up to experience, and get out and be somebody!

I’ve always wanted to say that.

Single, But Whole

Happy couples make you sick.  Every time you see a happy romantic couple doing happy romantic couple things, it immediately invokes a sense of bitterness. Why does it seem like damn near every other human is paired up with another but you’re stuck with the person in the mirror? As much as you would like to have someone to go out with and come home to, you should be careful not to rush into a relationship. Being single is an awesome opportunity, and here is why.

One is an odd number, but it is still whole number. It is imperative to remember that although you may be single, you are still whole. Too often we get caught up thinking that our lives will be complete once we find that special someone.  This is simply not true.  If you are unhappy by yourself, then this will only continue once you finally do find a partner. This attitude of placing your own happiness in a relationship is detrimental because you are putting pressure and unjustified expectations on another person. Happiness is not external, it is found within and it is a result of constantly and willfully choosing to be happy.

Singleness should not be looked at as not being good enough or lovable enough. It is an opportunity for self discovery. This is the time to pursue passions and realize what it is that makes you, you! “But I don’t have passions,” you may say. Then this is the perfect chance to get to know yourself. Do that thing that’s been in the back of your mind for years. Build that business, take that cooking class, shoot those nature photos. The goal here is not to become the best of the best but rather to discover what it is that brings a sense of fulfillment in your life. Of course you could eventually end up being a consummate professional in whatever hobby you pursue, but this is a bonus. It’s a direct result of the time and sacrifice you put into that hobby. People with interests are interesting.

Following your interests and engaging in your passions is what makes you attractive. It’s ironic, but when you pursue something it eludes you. This is why if all you ever think about is being in a relationship, you will struggle to ever find one. When you put all of your focus into bettering yourself and creating your own happiness, you naturally attract people to you. These people are the people you want in your life because the attraction is based on common interests and values, not fleeting shallowness.

We can love ourselves all we want but we still have sexual needs. I hear you. Undoubtedly, the most challenging part of being single is the lack of sexual activity. This cannot be helped. The most you can do in this situation is to dive into the dating world. Dating as a single is a broad topic that I will be happy to break down in another post. I will say this: dating is a tiresome process which can often feel hopeless. Just keep in mind that when you date as a single you are looking for a complement. You need someone with the same values and interests as you. Find someone who wants what you want. You want a casual sexual partner with no strings attached? Find someone who wants the same thing. You want someone to possibly marry and start a family with? Find someone who wants the same thing. You should always make yourself the priority in your journey of singleness. It could take a month or 5 years. As long as it may take, that time should be spent on becoming the best version of you. Patience is key when being single

Being single sucks at times. Actually, it sucks MOST of the time. We are not made to be alone so it is only natural that we feel that we are missing something in our lives when we are not in a relationship. That missing something is love. Stay patient and remember that although you may be single you are still whole.

She Poops Too

She’s so stunningly gorgeous that you’re literally speechless. You muster up the courage to approach her, proud that you’re brave enough to take that first step in her direction. You’re halfway across the room when you decide maybe it’s best to turn back around, she probably has a boyfriend anyway. No. You’re a warrior, you refuse to let the opportunity pass you by without at least trying.

“Hey, how’s it going?”

Shit. You managed to speak those first words but your voice was higher than a preteen schoolgirl. And why the hell are you shaking so much? Is that sweat starting to form on your brow? You decide to follow through with the approach rather than bail out and return to your corner where you first spotted this goddess.

In an attempt to hide your true intentions of getting to know the beautiful girl from across the room, you ask “Do you have the time?” Miss beautiful girl from across the room confusingly glances down at your correctly set watch, then checks her phone before responding with an inquisitive “It’s 3:47??”

“Thanks, have a good day,” you reply before swiftly turning around and power-walking back from whence you came to wallow in self pity and shame (Yes, I used the word whence, bite me).  In the great words of Jay from The 40 Year-Old-Virgin, you have just “put the pussy on the pedestal.” But how do you get past this hopeless stage of admiration? How do you put on a cool front in the midst of a drop dead gorgeous specimen of a woman? You must remember that no matter how beautiful a woman is, she has flaws too. She is just as human as you are and she is as imperfect as Larry the Janitor who works at the post office down the street. The best way to keep this in mind is to remember these three words: she poops too.

Woman are more intuitive than men, they know our intentions before we even open our mouths. It is perfectly normal for a guy to be nervous when conversing with a potential love interest. To be honest, it would be abnormal if he didn’t at least feel a few butterflies in his stomach as he speaks with her. What separates the men from the boys is the energy they are putting out when interacting with women. The most successful guys give off a playful, confident, indifferent vibe. The less successful guys are the ones who clearly struggle with handling their nervous energy. This nervous energy is picked up on by women and makes them feel creeped out. It’s pretty difficult to get a date with a cute girl who secretly thinks you’re an axe murderer.

But what does pooping have to do with anything?

Reminding yourself that women poop automatically puts them in a vulnerable position in your eyes. I understand how immature this sounds, but bear with me. As previously mentioned, beautiful women have flaws too. They have disgusting morning breath, they have bad hair days, and they are just as insecure as you are. The idea that women poop brings them down from that conceived pedestal, it makes them human again in your eyes. With this disgusting, yet useful mental image, it restores your confidence and reduces that nervous energy you initially feel when interacting with miss beautiful girl from across the room.

Even the most established pick up artists and serial daters still get nervous when around a gorgeous goddess. It’s natural! But by remembering that a woman is just as flawed as you are you can get to a point where having conversations with attractive women has no effect on you. So when in doubt, remember: she poops too!