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Why Dating as an Adult Sucks

So you’ve graduated from college/trade school/etc. and you’ve entered into the world of adulthood. You’re fresh from the educational institution and you’re ready to face the world with your empowering sense of accomplishment and wonder. Things are looking up. You’ve (hopefully) had plenty of dating experiences while you were in your late teens and early 20s and you’ve got a good sense of what you like and don’t like. However, you’ll very soon realize just how difficult dating is as an adult.

Here’s the main reason why dating is difficult for adults: they’re removed from large social environments.

School provides an education, of course, but it offers something just as important. Schools offer an incomparable social environment. Everyday you’re seeing hundreds of peers as you trek through hallways on your way to class. For 45-90 minutes at a time you’re in a room with 10-30 people  who usually share things in common with you. You’re open to meet and network with a numerous amount of people who are usually just like you. But that all changes as soon as you cross that stage.

Suddenly, you’re tossed into the jungle of corporate work environments. At first you had the opportunity to meet countless peers at your school, but now you’re limited to the handful of people you work with on a day to day basis. Your options are immediately limited. The only place it seems that you can meet potential love interests is the one place you dread going:

Bars and clubs.

You’re done with the partying and hooking up. You’ve done enough of that while you were playing beer pong and slurping tequila off the stomachs of horny strangers. If you’re a woman you realize the clubs are full of posers just looking for one night stands. If you’re a guy you realize that the clubs are full of attention seeking girls just out to have fun with their friends. You realize that the clubs are just the feeding grounds of shallow hyenas just looking to prove their social worth. You don’t wanna play this game so you choose the next best option:

Join a dating app.

So, you’ve given up on finding a significant other in bars. You’re probably not a drinker anyway and you definitely don’t like the charade of trying to prove your social worth in those environments. Next, you download tinder and start swiping away. You get a match here and there but the conversations are often uninteresting or randomly dropped altogether. Like, wtf just happened? Every once in a while you may meet up just to find out that the person you thought you matched with is completely different than the real thing. Surprise, you’ve been catfished!

Now you’re frustrated and completely hopeless. Everywhere you look you see happy couples who will probably be together forever. You start thinking that maybe something is wrong with you. You ask yourself things like “where’s my mr./mrs. right”, “will I ever be loved?”

So what are you to do?

Gonna be honest with you, there is no magic solution. What I’ve realized is that if you’ve reached this desperate point in your dating life the best thing to do is be patient and focus on self improvement. I won’t spend too much time talking about how to follow your passions and become a better version of yourself because I did that here. Another thing that could possibly give you hope is understanding that there are countless people out there just as hopeless and full of love as you are. It’s your job to meet them.

Sometimes, the thing that you want the most is just outside of your comfort zone. Do things that make you nervous. Approach and make conversation with that cute girl in line at the coffee shop. Ask that guy for help with your form in the gym. Focus on living your day to day life but take the chance to meet people who catch your attention. The process of getting comfortable with being uncomfortable will help you develop self esteem and strength. You’ll eventually be shocked at the person you can potentially become.

Being single as an adult is a soul-defining opportunity for you to get to know yourself. Your job is to focus on your growth and put yourself out there and meet people. The more you do it, the better you’ll get and it will only be a matter of time before you meet that person you can share your life with. Until then, realize that dating does suck as an adult. But it doesn’t just suck for you, we’re all going through it.

The Confidence Paradox

Two months in and I’m finally writing my first post of the year!

Thanks for your patience, I truly appreciate you for taking the time out of your day to read this garbage.

One of my most recent posts talks about confidence, you can read it here. As I’ve previously mentioned, I’ve taken a break from dating not too long ago but I’m back in the game now. Recently, two women I’ve been seeing have unfortunately fallen off the face of the earth. My younger, immature self would have been upset by this sudden disappearing act but I fully understand that ghosting is a part of the game; I’m fine with it, I do it too. In my defense, I believe that these disappearances had nothing to do with anything on my end but can most likely be attributed to insecurities on theirs. Today, I want to discuss the confidence paradox and how being confident can actually work against us guys.

So you’ve put so much effort into becoming confident. You’re working on your craft, you’re taking your job more seriously, you’re in the gym trying to turn that keg gut into a 6 pack. Good for you, your confidence is rising and your powers are growing! But wait, did you ever imagine that your newfound confidence can actually turn women off?

The backwards thing about this confidence thing is that women want a confident man. However, women are often unconfident themselves; the main reason being that they are much more concerned with their body image than men are. Studies to prove this can be found here. So what does this all mean?

If your self confidence is higher than the women you are dating this could be good for you. Generally speaking, women date up. They want a strong leader who can offer security and safety. They want a man they can relax with and be their playful, feminine selves. However, if you’re with an insecure woman, this same confidence that can attract women is the same confidence that scares some women away.

People fear what they don’t understand. Your confidence to some women can come off as intimidating and they are uncomfortable with getting serious with you because they fear getting hurt. A confident man is normally a man with a lot of dating options, and most women don’t want to compete for a man. Instead of accept you as the prize that you are, these women will run the other way; they don’t want to be another notch on your bedpost, another tally for your body count. Women  with a healthy self esteem are attracted to men who are good with women, but an insecure woman will be scared off by this. Deep down, she fears that she’s not good enough for you. This type of woman will ask you things like “are you a player,” or “how many other women are you dating?” You will even hear things like “you must say that to all the girls.”

When you get questions like these, always respond in a lighthearted and playful manner. These are tests to see if you are actually as successful with women as you appear to be.

So what do you do?

Accept the fact that as your confidence grows, so will the quality of women you attract. This newfound confidence in yourself can help you weed out and buffer less confident women. You shouldn’t want to be with a woman who is overly insecure because then a lot of your energy will be spent trying to uplift and motivate her. Not that this is a bad thing, but your job in the dating field is not to fix people. You should be looking for a woman who can complement your lifestyle. You should be looking for your match. Spending too much time with a woman who’s overly insecure can be draining after a while and you don’t need this extra stress in your life because a good woman should bring you peace.

So, yes, confidence is still the number one thing that women find attractive in a man. Just be aware of the confidence paradox. Happy dating!

Let The Woman Choose You

The average guy has a hard enough time meeting and dating a new woman. In today’s dating world where ghosting is more common than a cold, he’s lucky if he can get to her front door. If things go well, he’ll get a second date. If he keeps things interesting and fun, he’ll start seeing her consistently. Then he gets to the point where he knows he likes this girl so he asks something along the lines of “would you like to be my girlfriend?” When she responds in an undesired manner, he’s left with his dick in his hands wondering where he went wrong.

The problem with this is that the relationship proposal is out of context. Poisoned by romantic comedies and tv shows, we guys have fallen into the trap of believing that we must wine and dine a woman for a few dates then lock her down into a relationship. Sure, this actually does work some of the time, but nowadays it’s key to remember that the power has somewhat shifted. In today’s feminist society, women often don’t even want to be locked down in a relationship. At least not so soon anyway. They want to explore their options and have fun before relinquishing their freedom as a dating free agent. Asking a girl for a relationship too soon makes her feel trapped.

I’ve said it a few times before, girls just want to have fun! They enjoy the thrill of a new romance just as much as we do. Part of the fun of a new fling is the mystery. A woman is intrigued by the mysterious guy she just can’t seem to get enough of. She likes where things are going, and she likes getting to know him more and more over time. So when we bring up the relationship conversation, it sucks the fun and suspense out of it. Remember, people want what they can’t have. A man who’s a catch and is difficult to lock down is irresistible to a woman.

This is why it’s important for guys to prioritize their mission in life. When a man is focused on his goals and progression, a woman senses it. She can tell that this is a man of value and it makes him incredibly attractive to her. She can tell that this man is on a journey and she wants to tag along for the ride. A man like this isn’t concerned with relationship titles because he’s too busy focusing on his own life purpose. The irony here is that this man who isn’t concerned with women is the man who has plenty of dating options.

Let the woman be the one to bring up the relationship. Your job as the man is to show her how much of a catch you are by showing her a good time and letting your personality shine. She will be the one to let you know when she is ready to make it official. If a relationship is what she wants, she will be the one asking “so, what are we doing? Where is this going?” When she asks questions like that, then you know you’ve done all of the right things. Until then, you just sit back, relax and show her a good time.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a man wanting a relationship. It just shouldn’t be his first priority. If you are doing all the right things, the woman you are dating will ask YOU for a relationship. She will be able to tell that you are a rare breed of man and will want you to herself after recognizing your high value. Focus on being a better you, and let her do the choosing.

“The Talk”: Who’s Supposed to Define The Relationship?

I was having a conversation with a girl friend of mine and we were discussing the inevitability of heartbreak. It is my opinion that everyone should get their heart broken at least once by the time they graduate from high school. There’s no way to escape that pain, it’s a non-negotiable part of the dating journey. Heartbreak and disappointment usually comes from cheating partners but nowadays disappointment comes from lack of communication and people being misled. With the rise of roaching and ghosting, people are more devious than ever and deception comes into play as people are only out to get what they want. So how can you cut down on the chances of being heartbroken or disappointed by the new person you’re dating?

The most surefire way to protect yourself from disappointment is to have define-the-relationship (DTR) talks with the person(s) you’re dating. This is the most secure way to get on the same page so that everyone’s intentions are known. The problem is that we’re not communicating effectively because we don’t want to look too vulnerable or needy. We’re afraid to express our true feelings because we run the risk of getting rejected which is a weak, fearful mind state to have. With good timing, the DTR conversation can save you from embarrassment or heartbreak before it’s too late.

So when is a good time to have the DTR conversation?

When it comes to dating, it is key to understand that there are no strict rules. You’re dealing with fickle human beings who want one thing today and the opposite tomorrow. So there is no clear time to have the DTR conversation but I am glad to offer my opinion on when it would be best. I believe that it is best to have the DTR conversation by the end of the third date.

The first date is obviously too soon to have such a serious conversation and here’s why. First, the first date should be treated as a pre-date. Unless you’ve already known each other prior to dating, you’re basically having dinner and/or drinks with a stranger. The first date is just to see if you even like this person. So, if a man brings up the DTR conversation on the first date, he will come off as desperate. This will turn a woman off because she doesn’t even know the guy and he’s already talking about a relationship. She will subconsciously know that a guy who gets so serious so early doesn’t get laid much and is probably going to turn out to be a weak, possessive control freak. If a woman brings up the DTR conversation on the first date, she will come off as stifling. A man doesn’t even know the woman yet, and if she’s already bringing up the DTR conversation his freedom is immediately threatened. Having the DTR on the first date is a definite no-no for both parties.

By the second date both people will have more familiarity with each other. Whereas the first date is a pre-date to get to know one another, the second date can be taken more seriously. This is the date where you get to know the person on a deeper level and determine whether the first date was just a flaw because you both were on your best behavior. It is my opinion that having the DTR conversation on the second date is still too soon because at this point, you two should just be having flirty fun with each other. Having the conversation this early still denotes desperation.

I believe the third date is ideal because now things are heating up. It is widely agreed that sex has the highest possibility of happening on the third date. If the gentleman plays his cards right at this point, he has established himself as a fun guy that the girl can enjoy herself with. She should be comfortable with him and her barriers should be lowered, opening the door for him to make that move. Because sex can definitely happen at this point, I believe this is why the third date is a great time to have the DTR talk. But who should be the one to initiate this conversation?

As mentioned earlier, there are no clearly defined rules when it comes to dating. Conventional wisdom states that it is the gentleman’s job to lead the woman, therefore it’s his job to have this talk. I believe that the person with the most to lose should be the one to initiate the DTR conversation. In most cases, this would be the woman. I wrote about how women have more to lose when it comes to sex in this article so let’s not waste too much time there. The person who is most emotionally invested should be the one to initiate the DTR talk because they are the one most at risk for heartbreak.

I must warn you, having the DTR conversation does not mean that you will never get hurt or deceived again. There are people out there who will tell you what you want to hear just to sleep with you. So women, if you have the talk with the guy you’re dating and you still get lied to then there’s nothing you can do. It is up to you to be an outstanding judge of character and determine whether this guy you’re dating is worthy of a relationship; this is what the first few dates are for. Remember, the DTR conversation won’t save you but it will allow you the opportunity to be clear with what you expect from him while allowing him to express his intentions.

Don’t be foolish and trick yourself into believing that you will never get your heart broken again, this is naive. However, by communicating clearly and defining the relationship after several dates you can lower the chances of heartbreak. I’d love to know what you think in the comments below.

The One Way To Not Get Too Attached

The dating game can be likened to a game of tug and war; you are constantly in a state of giving and receiving your attention and affection in hopes of pulling someone in. Give too much and you’ll fall hard for the person and likely push them away. If you don’t give enough, the other person will pull back their attention and find someone else. In both cases, you’re left standing alone holding your rope. So how do you find that perfect balance of being interested but not clingy?

Date multiple people.

If you are single, you should be dating multiple people anyway. By having your eggs in multiple baskets you maintain a mystique about you that builds attraction. It is human nature to want what we can’t have, so by not fully investing in pursuing someone wholeheartedly it makes them want you more.

It’s all about balance.

You want to let the person(s) you’re dating know that you are interested in them, but simultaneously give off the vibe that you would be just fine without them. Show too much interest and you come off as needy or clingy, and this is what you don’t want. The bad boys do this naturally because they genuinely don’t care about the people they date so they never have to worry about being clingy.

Why is clinginess so unattractive?

Clinginess reveals a needy, insecure personality that will likely lead to an unhealthy relationship. Have you ever dated someone who constantly texted and called you inquiring about your whereabouts? Have you ever dated someone who accused you of cheating if you failed to reply to their text message within 20 minutes? Everyone wants to be loved but no one should want to be controlled.

The other reason why clinginess is unattractive is because it shows a lack of independence. An ideal healthy relationship consists of two partners who lead their own fulfilling lives. It’s about two happy and healthy people coming together and sharing life experiences, not about one person controlling and possessing their partner. If you are leading a full life and dating multiple people, there is no way you can come off clingy because you simply have too much to do. You’re too busy dating other people or spending time with hobbies, mastering a craft, or furthering your career or education.

When dating multiple people, you will likely be faced with a familiar stigma: dating multiple people is trashy behavior. If you’re a woman dating multiple guys, detractors will label you as a slut. If you’re a guy dating multiple women then you will be labeled as a player. Do not succumb to societal pressure. The whole idea of dating is to meet multiple people and spend time with them until you meet the person who shares the same values and interests as you do. You’re essentially interviewing people for the position of significant other. Until you find someone that you want to enter into a relationship with, it is your job to test the market. It’s the only way to guarantee that you are making a good relationship decision.

So always keep in mind that dating is all about balance. You should be constantly balancing your attention between the people you’re dating and your own life ambitions. The best way to keep balance when dating is to date multiple people until you find the one for you. With this in mind, you can ensure that you will become a catch and you will no longer be the loser holding their rope because you chased people away.