Why is it so much work finding someone? You’re good looking enough, you’re good enough, you’re smart enough. Still, no matter what you do it seems as if no matter how hard you try you just can’t seem to attract and keep a significant other. Well, part of the problem lies there: stop trying. The key to remember when you’re single and looking is that attraction is natural and should be effortless.
People do not choose who they are attracted to. Sure, you may have a type. You might prefer a 5’2″ woman with wavy, shoulder length brunette hair and thick soft thighs. Ladies, perhaps you like guys 6 feet tall with a full head of hair. Despite the fact that you may have an ideal partner, you’re not completely in control of what attracts you to someone. Surely, you’ve heard someone say “I don’t know what it is about them”.
When you stop trying so hard to attract someone and let it happen naturally, you increase the amount of quality dates/relationships you have. Unfortunately, there is a downside to this approach: time. The tradeoff here is that although you may get less dates, they will be quality dates with a higher probability of leading to a healthy relationship. This method of letting attraction happen naturally WILL take much longer than actively pursuing someone.
The problem with pursuing is that you unconsciously put yourself in a position where you are constantly trying to prove yourself. This leads to you overcompensating and sometimes being insincere. Remember, you are good enough and you have nothing to prove to anyone. You should value yourself and know that someone would be lucky to have you, not the other way around. So how do you go about naturally attracting someone?
The first step is to align your life with your personal values. Your life should revolve around your own passions and interests. Yes, we need to pay the bills and everyone can’t make a living as a photographer or professional athlete. The key is to pursue interests outside of your 9-5. Wake up 2 hours earlier than you normally would or go to bed 2 hours later than you normally would, but try to commit at least 10 hours a week to whatever it is that sparks passion within you. This keeps you busy and fulfilled.
When you lead a life that fulfills you, you naturally become more attractive. Think of it this way: would you want to be with someone who hates their life and bases their own happiness upon their relationship with you? Hopefully your answer is no, and if it isn’t then perhaps you may want to do some research on narcissism.
You should be looking for a complement. Erase the idea that you have a soul mate waiting for you to order the exact same custom drink at Starbucks. Forget about it. There are 7 billion people on Earth, do you see how foolish it is to believe that there is just one person made just for you? Sure you want to date someone you’re physically attracted to, but looks fade. You can’t have sex 24/7, at some point you’re going to actually have conversations with the person you are dating. Do you really want to be with someone you have nothing in common with? When you lead a life based on your own values, you eventually meet people with the same interests. Forget that cliché “opposites attract,” that’s bullshit. The theme here is “like attracts like”.
Dating in 2017 is somewhat undefined and more mystifying than it has ever been. One thing that will never change is the science of attraction. Understand that it is better to be alone than to be in an unhealthy relationship. Value yourself, know that you are good enough. Be patient, stop trying so hard and you will eventually become effortlessly attractive.