inspiration

3 Reasons I Gave up on Dating…For Now

Usually, I write motivating pieces to inspire people to develop themselves in order to put themselves in a better position in the dating world. I’ve decided to do something a little different today. I’ve hit a rough patch recently, which is to be expected for any serial dater. Today, I’m going to fill you in on why I’ve given up on dating for the immediate future.

    1.  I Just Don’t Have the Time or Energy

I am currently working 60+ hours/week between two jobs. During the day, I work in retail management then overnights at my gym. As you can imagine, with my schedule being so full it’s quite difficult to meet women in person. Sure, there’s endless potential to meet women at my gym but then I run the risk of coming off as a creep. When I first started there I took advantage of my opportunities to meet women but soon realized that not only was this unprofessional, I’m pretty sure I creeped a few women out. I honestly believe the gym (contrary to what many dating sites/coaches suggest) is one of the worst places to meet women. Most women who go to the gym are there with the sole purpose of working out. Big surprise huh?

The other thing about that is now I’ve created an awkward tension between myself and the women I’ve expressed interest in. This puts them in a weird situation because now they may be thinking, “Great, I can’t work out at this particular time of day because the guy at the front desk is going to hit on me. Maybe I’ll switch gyms.” It’s a lose-lose for both parties.

Then, there’s my retail job. I don’t approach women here anymore because it’s just unprofessional. I’ve done it quite a bit and the risk is not worth the reward. At best, I’ve gotten a date or two. At worst, I’ve lost the potential to make sales at my chosen workplace and this could cost my company.

Even on my off days, I’m simply too tired to want to do anything. I’ve got hobbies to indulge and sleep to catch up on, so I’m not enticed to go out and meet people. Online dating helps a lot in my particular situation and is actually my preferred method of meeting women because it gives me the opportunity to swipe right in my rare free time.

 

    2.  Rejection has Hurt my Willingness to Put Myself Out  There

No one said that being single and looking would be easy. Life itself is a constant struggle for acceptance. Whether you’re applying for a job, college, or even for a loan you are constantly putting yourself out there with the risk of being turned down. Now, this is not a self-pitying outlook; it’s more like a call to action.

In my opinion, I put myself out there more than the average joe. Ever since high school, I’ve gone after the women I’ve wanted. I’ve approached women in school hallways as a high school and college student, bus stops and train stations as a commuter, and even out in bars as a horny twentysomething. Sure, every “no” I get brings me closer to a “yes” but after a while this gets demoralizing. Honestly, I should approach more if I want to get the results I’m seeking but there may be a bigger picture here.

I’ve taken my recent string of rejections as a sign. I think I need to shift my priorities and focus on bigger things than dating. This allows me the opportunity to make myself more attractive by working on career advancement, personal development, and mastery of my crafts. Instead of going out and approaching women in my current unconfident state, I have been focusing more on being a better me.

To be honest, the relationships that have worked best for me were the ones that happened naturally. I was focusing on living my life and this attracted women into my life who were genuinely interested in me and I didn’t even have to try.

 

    3.  “What You Pursue Will Elude You”

Here’s an extended quote by an entrepreneur named Jim Rohn:

If you want to have more, you have to become more. Success is not something you pursue. What you pursue will elude you; it will elude you; it can be like trying to chase butterflies. Success is something you attract by the person you become. For things to improve, you have to improve. For things to get better, you have to get better. For things to change, you have to change. When you change, everything changes for you.

I wholeheartedly believe that this applies to dating. For too long, I’ve been wanting to meet someone so bad that I’ve actually repelled them. It sounds weird but I believe it’s true. It’s almost as if the women I meet can smell my desperation. This could be detected in my anxious tone of voice or perhaps from the lustful look in my eyes. The point is, I want it too bad. Just like in point number two, I need time to focus on being better so that I can attract better.

This post isn’t meant to discourage anyone from putting themselves out there, I actually encourage it. This post isn’t me wallowing in self-pity with thoughts of being forever alone; I don’t believe that for one second. This post is to motivate anyone out there who is currently in a dry spell. You’re going to hit a rough patch when it comes to dating. You will get to a point where things seem hopeless and you will feel unlovable. This is okay. Perhaps it’s an indicator that you need to shift your focus and do some self-work. It’s rough times like these that you need to be patient and believe that what you’re looking for is just around the corner.

What it Means to be Confident

The most attractive thing to a woman is confidence blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, we know.

But why? What is it about a confident man that makes women melt like a sundae on a sunny day? Why is confidence at the top of every list of attractive traits? How can a man become more confident? Let’s talk about it.

To begin with, let’s stop saying confidence. It’s so trite and overused that the word itself seems to lose its meaning. Instead, let’s go with certainty. A confident man is a certain man. He is certain of himself, certain of where he’s going in life, and he is certain of how he’s going to get there. He is certain of his abilities and competencies; certain that he can overcome challenges.

Now here’s why it’s so attractive to women.

A woman needs a leader. She needs to know that the man she chooses to love is reliable and won’t shrink in the face of adversity. A man who lacks certainty cannot be a leader because he doesn’t even trust himself to make the right decisions. Uncertainty is of a feminine nature and will repel a woman. A feminine woman doesn’t want to lead the way, she wants to relax and be her beautiful, flirty, playful self because she knows her man has got everything under control.

So how does a man gain confidence?

Through experience, a man develops confidence. As he deepens his experience in a dedicated area of his life, he learns from his mistakes and moves forward getting better every time. For example, the stereotypical smooth-talking ladies’ man gets laid because he has put in the work of meeting and seducing women. He’s done it time and time again, acknowledging setbacks and making adjustments along the way. He’s gotten to the point to where he is certain of his ability to pick up women and this certainty is what attracts them in the first place.

Women can’t help but fall for a confident man who believes in himself. This type of man comes so few and far between that she fully appreciates and attaches herself to him because she recognizes a diamond when she sees one. If you want to develop your confidence, develop certainty and trust in yourself. You won’t be right about every single decision you make, and you won’t succeed in every challenge you take but you will develop the confidence to become a more competent, thus attractive man.

Three Important Lessons I’ve Learned from a Past Failed Relationship

It is said that relationships offer you the opportunity to grow. When you’re romantically involved with another person, you will discover things about yourself that you wouldn’t have had you remained single. New challenges arise as you balance your own happiness with that of your significant other and very rarely do you emerge from the relationship exactly the same as you were before. I’ve had my fair share of relationships, each with their own set of challenges and opportunities for growth. There is one that has changed me more drastically than the rest. Here are three important lessons I’ve learned from a past failed relationship.

     1. Never Mix Business With Pleasure

As a working adult, most of your time will likely be spent at your place of employment. Unless you’re working at a temp agency, there is a high chance that you will be spending lots of time with the same group of people. Over time, it is natural that feelings of attraction can arise as you get to know coworkers on a deeper level.  You’re likely to notice things about them that you didn’t pay attention to before and this can often lead to you finding them irresistibly endearing.

In my case, there was a power dynamic that added a level of intricacy. Working in retail, I had started out as a sales associate before quickly rising to the position of sales lead. With my new title, I was working more hours and building more of a personal relationship with my fellow coworkers. A particular coworker of mine suddenly took a liking to me. In the beginning, there was no spark between us. She probably didn’t even know my name since we worked separate shifts, only seeing each other in passing. Perhaps it was the rapport we started to build after my promotion, or maybe it was something less innocent. My flirtatious personality had gained me quite a bit of popularity among my female coworkers. In my mind, this is what increased my value in her eyes.

We started seeing each other outside of work, going on movie dates, shopping trips, and walks on the waterfront. Things were going smoothly outside of work, but I soon faced a dilemma. As her manager, I was constantly doing my best to maintain an air of professionalism. I couldn’t be as affectionate and romantic as I would have liked to been. I didn’t want to treat her any differently than I treated my other subordinates. After all, my job was on the line. We had a disagreement outside of work which put a hamper on our workplace relationship. I often acted out of character, clearly bothered by our topsy-turvy situationship. Needless to say, we couldn’t get back to where we had begun and it ended sloppily. She dumped me which led to me acting even more spiteful and overemotional at work. She soon quit the job which eased the pressure for both of us, but it helped me realize a vital life lesson.

     2. A Man Must Control His Emotions

Notice that I didn’t say that men shouldn’t have emotions, nor should they show them. I specifically said that a man must control them. In any healthy relationship, it is the man’s job to remain strong; he should be his woman’s rock. When things start going south, he is the one to ensure that everything will be ok. He should provide the shoulder to lean on.

When a man is overemotional, it makes his woman uncomfortable. It forces her to move out of her natural feminine energy and into a more masculine state which is unnatural to her. If the guy she is dating can’t control his emotions, she will lose attraction because subconsciously she knows that she cannot trust him. Not only does an overemotional man come off as weak, but he can come off as dangerous. If a woman isn’t sure of how her partner will handle himself, she can’t feel safe and secure around him.

After our first conflict, I didn’t know how to express my feelings. I was caught up in the illusion that I had to act indifferent and uncaring. Despite my emotional pain, I was cold and callous towards her, unwilling to communicate my feelings like a mature person would do. Admittedly, I was afraid of losing her. I had convinced myself that she would leave me sooner or later so why not now?

This led to me being rude to her, ignoring her at times and intentionally flirting with other coworkers in front of her. I wanted to show her that I could easily move on. I didn’t want to let her know how much she affected me emotionally. In the end, this douchebag behavior caused me to lose a very special woman.

3. You Should Go Into a Relationship to Give

I was selfish.

I only cared about my feelings and what I was getting out of the relationship. I was proud and was so concerned with saving face that I wasn’t seeing how much I was turning her off. The more I put on the facade of not caring, the further I was pushing her away. I was immature and negligent, never paying attention to what was happening right in front of me.

When you go into a relationship, you should approach it with a selfless mentality. A relationship provides you the opportunity to care for and cater to another person. It’s not about what you can get out of it, it’s about what you can give.

You should be giving your time, your energy, your love, and your support in an attempt to help your partner grow and develop as a person. If you’re lucky, your partner should be dedicated to doing the same for you. This is how a healthy relationship should function. I didn’t know any better at the time and it cost me.

Do I have any regrets? Nah. I wouldn’t be who I am today and I wouldn’t be able to share my experience with you if I hadn’t learned these three key lessons. Have you had any failed relationships that have helped you change for the better? How did you handle it? Let me know in the comments below.