lifestyle

3 Reasons I Gave up on Dating…For Now

Usually, I write motivating pieces to inspire people to develop themselves in order to put themselves in a better position in the dating world. I’ve decided to do something a little different today. I’ve hit a rough patch recently, which is to be expected for any serial dater. Today, I’m going to fill you in on why I’ve given up on dating for the immediate future.

    1.  I Just Don’t Have the Time or Energy

I am currently working 60+ hours/week between two jobs. During the day, I work in retail management then overnights at my gym. As you can imagine, with my schedule being so full it’s quite difficult to meet women in person. Sure, there’s endless potential to meet women at my gym but then I run the risk of coming off as a creep. When I first started there I took advantage of my opportunities to meet women but soon realized that not only was this unprofessional, I’m pretty sure I creeped a few women out. I honestly believe the gym (contrary to what many dating sites/coaches suggest) is one of the worst places to meet women. Most women who go to the gym are there with the sole purpose of working out. Big surprise huh?

The other thing about that is now I’ve created an awkward tension between myself and the women I’ve expressed interest in. This puts them in a weird situation because now they may be thinking, “Great, I can’t work out at this particular time of day because the guy at the front desk is going to hit on me. Maybe I’ll switch gyms.” It’s a lose-lose for both parties.

Then, there’s my retail job. I don’t approach women here anymore because it’s just unprofessional. I’ve done it quite a bit and the risk is not worth the reward. At best, I’ve gotten a date or two. At worst, I’ve lost the potential to make sales at my chosen workplace and this could cost my company.

Even on my off days, I’m simply too tired to want to do anything. I’ve got hobbies to indulge and sleep to catch up on, so I’m not enticed to go out and meet people. Online dating helps a lot in my particular situation and is actually my preferred method of meeting women because it gives me the opportunity to swipe right in my rare free time.

 

    2.  Rejection has Hurt my Willingness to Put Myself Out  There

No one said that being single and looking would be easy. Life itself is a constant struggle for acceptance. Whether you’re applying for a job, college, or even for a loan you are constantly putting yourself out there with the risk of being turned down. Now, this is not a self-pitying outlook; it’s more like a call to action.

In my opinion, I put myself out there more than the average joe. Ever since high school, I’ve gone after the women I’ve wanted. I’ve approached women in school hallways as a high school and college student, bus stops and train stations as a commuter, and even out in bars as a horny twentysomething. Sure, every “no” I get brings me closer to a “yes” but after a while this gets demoralizing. Honestly, I should approach more if I want to get the results I’m seeking but there may be a bigger picture here.

I’ve taken my recent string of rejections as a sign. I think I need to shift my priorities and focus on bigger things than dating. This allows me the opportunity to make myself more attractive by working on career advancement, personal development, and mastery of my crafts. Instead of going out and approaching women in my current unconfident state, I have been focusing more on being a better me.

To be honest, the relationships that have worked best for me were the ones that happened naturally. I was focusing on living my life and this attracted women into my life who were genuinely interested in me and I didn’t even have to try.

 

    3.  “What You Pursue Will Elude You”

Here’s an extended quote by an entrepreneur named Jim Rohn:

If you want to have more, you have to become more. Success is not something you pursue. What you pursue will elude you; it will elude you; it can be like trying to chase butterflies. Success is something you attract by the person you become. For things to improve, you have to improve. For things to get better, you have to get better. For things to change, you have to change. When you change, everything changes for you.

I wholeheartedly believe that this applies to dating. For too long, I’ve been wanting to meet someone so bad that I’ve actually repelled them. It sounds weird but I believe it’s true. It’s almost as if the women I meet can smell my desperation. This could be detected in my anxious tone of voice or perhaps from the lustful look in my eyes. The point is, I want it too bad. Just like in point number two, I need time to focus on being better so that I can attract better.

This post isn’t meant to discourage anyone from putting themselves out there, I actually encourage it. This post isn’t me wallowing in self-pity with thoughts of being forever alone; I don’t believe that for one second. This post is to motivate anyone out there who is currently in a dry spell. You’re going to hit a rough patch when it comes to dating. You will get to a point where things seem hopeless and you will feel unlovable. This is okay. Perhaps it’s an indicator that you need to shift your focus and do some self-work. It’s rough times like these that you need to be patient and believe that what you’re looking for is just around the corner.

Laughter and Attraction

You’ve heard it a bazillion times before: women find a sense of humor attractive . But why is that? Here are 3 reasons why women love a guy with a great sense of humor.

    1. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Give this post a like if you sang the song in your head.

Women want to be able to relax with the men they are with. Think about it, how can a woman be intimate with someone she isn’t even comfortable around? A good sense of humor not only gets a girl laughing, it lowers her defenses. If you want her to loosen up around you, get her to show those pearly whites. A heartfelt laugh can be endearing, it is the best medicine after all. Unless she makes one of those obnoxious, wheezing laugh sounds that sound more like a pig choking. In that case, you may just want to ask the waiter for the bill and take your precious sense of humor elsewhere.

    2. It Shows Vulnerability/Intelligence/Resilience

Gentlemen, you don’t have to be a scowling badass all the time. Even James Bond was known for his witty banter and one-liners and I’m sure he got laid once or twice. Yes, I referenced a fictional character, what are you gonna do about it?

Sure, women love a guy who can show his dark side. A masculine man who is capable of beating up bad guys and saving the day is uber sexy, but a personality goes much further. Just remember, guys with a sense of humor get laid more.

A sense of humor is also quite revealing. Some of the funniest people you know have been through the shittiest shit. When life knocks them down and shits on them, they stand back up with a smile on their face and toilet paper in their hand. Okay, I’ll stop with the poop jokes.

Besides being resilient, having a strong funny bone also denotes a sign of high intelligence. In order to keep a conversation going with women, you’re going to have to think on your toes to keep things fun and interesting. A well-timed pun or hilariously self-deprecating anecdote is a great way to show that you’ve got a brain up there.

A sense of humor shows that you don’t take yourself too seriously. However, don’t become a dancing clown. Just like anything in life, balance is the key.

    3. Looks Don’t Last Forever

Everyone wants to date the best-looking person they can find. But 10-20 years from now, your hair may fall out and your precious metabolism will slow down causing your precious six-pack to devolve into an unsexy dad bod. You won’t always be drop-dead handsome (I’m pretty sure that’s a thing?).

It’s important to keep in mind that you’re going to need something to fall back on after women get bored of looking at your face. A sense of humor adds depth to your character and ensures that your woman will never get bored.

So stop rolling your eyes when you hear a woman say “I just want to be with a guy who has a good sense of humor.” Realize there’s a reason that shit is sexy so I suggest you get to work on your punchlines.

How To Date When You’ve Been In a Drought

It’s been a slow year for me.

This is the least active I have been in the dating world since I graduated from high school 9 years ago, but this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. This year, I have been more focused on myself more intensely than ever. I’ve been writing more than I ever have (blogaboutdating.com, clintville chronicles, junkylocker), routinely working out, and I’ve gotten back to videography all while working 60-hour workweeks. And you know what? I’m hardly ever exhausted because everything I do is dedicated to feeding my passions. So while it appears that I’m working incessantly, I’m actually engaging my hobbies and thus feeding my soul.

However, a man has needs.

I’ve been in somewhat of a dry spell, but that’s not for lack of trying. With Spring in full fling (rhyme intended), it’s time to jump back into the dating game and explore my options while hormones are high. With that being said, I want to discuss a couple concepts: fear and practicing “game”.

Anyone who knows me understands that I’ve always been somewhat of a ladies’ man. I usually have no problem dating and I always seem to have my share of options. But recently, I’ve found that my results have been suffering and my confidence has been slowly dwindling. With the #metoo shenanigans going on, it’s been quite intimidating as a man looking to date. I don’t believe I am alone when I say that this whole movement has made it scary for straight men to express their desires in pursuing women.

Along with the #metoo movement threatening my masculinity, I also had to face the fact that 90 percent of the women I meet and interact with are at my workplace. So, not only did I have to worry about possibly catching a sexual harassment charge for expressing my heterosexuality, I also had to worry about maintaining a constant air of professionalism.

In the past, there have been multiple occasions when I’ve asked women out at work. In the beginning, I figured that I should go for it despite the circumstances of being on the clock. Now, I understand that it’s more important to keep things professional so I don’t run the risk of losing business for my employers by scaring off women.

Then I realized something: I was living in fear.

The #metoo movement involves men who abuse their power and perverts who don’t know how to talk to and deal with women. I’m nothing like those monsters, so I have nothing to worry about. I know that I’m a charming, compassionate human being so why should I be so fearful of catching a sexual harassment charge?

On the other hand, even though I will no longer ask women out at work (unless they are giving me clear signs to do so) I can still use these interactions as an opportunity for growth. During the days, I work in retail so I’m constantly surrounded by women. At nights, I work at a gym so I’m surrounded by women there as well. I’m grateful to work these jobs because they provide me with so many opportunities to interact with countless women!

Lately, I’ve been not only engaging in fun conversations with beautiful women but I’ve been working on flirting. I’m able to easily find the balance and read signs in order to tell when a woman is not interested. What I’ve learned is that women WANT to be desired but not pressured or made uncomfortable. Just like any other skill, flirting and being charming with women is a skill that has to be practiced. As a result, my confidence is probably now as high as its ever been. I’m looking forward to the Spring and Summer; I’m hopeful that I can turn this dry spell around and make this a year to remember.

So, gentlemen, I’ll leave you with this message: Don’t let fear run your life. You’re good enough, smart enough, and good looking enough to attract the woman you deserve. Use your everyday interactions with women to have fun conversations and don’t be afraid to practice flirting. This will not only boost your confidence, but the woman’s confidence as well since it makes her feel desirable and attractive. The more you practice, the more dating opportunities will open up for you and the more prepared you will be when you finally meet a woman who knocks your socks off.

Three Important Lessons I’ve Learned from a Past Failed Relationship

It is said that relationships offer you the opportunity to grow. When you’re romantically involved with another person, you will discover things about yourself that you wouldn’t have had you remained single. New challenges arise as you balance your own happiness with that of your significant other and very rarely do you emerge from the relationship exactly the same as you were before. I’ve had my fair share of relationships, each with their own set of challenges and opportunities for growth. There is one that has changed me more drastically than the rest. Here are three important lessons I’ve learned from a past failed relationship.

     1. Never Mix Business With Pleasure

As a working adult, most of your time will likely be spent at your place of employment. Unless you’re working at a temp agency, there is a high chance that you will be spending lots of time with the same group of people. Over time, it is natural that feelings of attraction can arise as you get to know coworkers on a deeper level.  You’re likely to notice things about them that you didn’t pay attention to before and this can often lead to you finding them irresistibly endearing.

In my case, there was a power dynamic that added a level of intricacy. Working in retail, I had started out as a sales associate before quickly rising to the position of sales lead. With my new title, I was working more hours and building more of a personal relationship with my fellow coworkers. A particular coworker of mine suddenly took a liking to me. In the beginning, there was no spark between us. She probably didn’t even know my name since we worked separate shifts, only seeing each other in passing. Perhaps it was the rapport we started to build after my promotion, or maybe it was something less innocent. My flirtatious personality had gained me quite a bit of popularity among my female coworkers. In my mind, this is what increased my value in her eyes.

We started seeing each other outside of work, going on movie dates, shopping trips, and walks on the waterfront. Things were going smoothly outside of work, but I soon faced a dilemma. As her manager, I was constantly doing my best to maintain an air of professionalism. I couldn’t be as affectionate and romantic as I would have liked to been. I didn’t want to treat her any differently than I treated my other subordinates. After all, my job was on the line. We had a disagreement outside of work which put a hamper on our workplace relationship. I often acted out of character, clearly bothered by our topsy-turvy situationship. Needless to say, we couldn’t get back to where we had begun and it ended sloppily. She dumped me which led to me acting even more spiteful and overemotional at work. She soon quit the job which eased the pressure for both of us, but it helped me realize a vital life lesson.

     2. A Man Must Control His Emotions

Notice that I didn’t say that men shouldn’t have emotions, nor should they show them. I specifically said that a man must control them. In any healthy relationship, it is the man’s job to remain strong; he should be his woman’s rock. When things start going south, he is the one to ensure that everything will be ok. He should provide the shoulder to lean on.

When a man is overemotional, it makes his woman uncomfortable. It forces her to move out of her natural feminine energy and into a more masculine state which is unnatural to her. If the guy she is dating can’t control his emotions, she will lose attraction because subconsciously she knows that she cannot trust him. Not only does an overemotional man come off as weak, but he can come off as dangerous. If a woman isn’t sure of how her partner will handle himself, she can’t feel safe and secure around him.

After our first conflict, I didn’t know how to express my feelings. I was caught up in the illusion that I had to act indifferent and uncaring. Despite my emotional pain, I was cold and callous towards her, unwilling to communicate my feelings like a mature person would do. Admittedly, I was afraid of losing her. I had convinced myself that she would leave me sooner or later so why not now?

This led to me being rude to her, ignoring her at times and intentionally flirting with other coworkers in front of her. I wanted to show her that I could easily move on. I didn’t want to let her know how much she affected me emotionally. In the end, this douchebag behavior caused me to lose a very special woman.

3. You Should Go Into a Relationship to Give

I was selfish.

I only cared about my feelings and what I was getting out of the relationship. I was proud and was so concerned with saving face that I wasn’t seeing how much I was turning her off. The more I put on the facade of not caring, the further I was pushing her away. I was immature and negligent, never paying attention to what was happening right in front of me.

When you go into a relationship, you should approach it with a selfless mentality. A relationship provides you the opportunity to care for and cater to another person. It’s not about what you can get out of it, it’s about what you can give.

You should be giving your time, your energy, your love, and your support in an attempt to help your partner grow and develop as a person. If you’re lucky, your partner should be dedicated to doing the same for you. This is how a healthy relationship should function. I didn’t know any better at the time and it cost me.

Do I have any regrets? Nah. I wouldn’t be who I am today and I wouldn’t be able to share my experience with you if I hadn’t learned these three key lessons. Have you had any failed relationships that have helped you change for the better? How did you handle it? Let me know in the comments below.